OK I think I’ll edit this and have a read through later as my Quetiapine is starting to kick in now and I feel so sleepy right now. so sorry for any errors..!
Before I took more I couldn’t sleep so thought I’d put down a quick few thoughts on the topic. I recently red this post (love and mental health) which I stumbled across when looking for something else but nonetheless it is a really interesting read I think and I’d really like to explore the idea of mental health & love in the future.
Men. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them! Although perhaps a jovial saying this is perhaps a fairly accurate description of how I feel sometimes about the stronger sex. (Fully aware that I am sounding like a self indulged hysterical teenage girl but I do actually want to try and address some feelings here so give me a minute to waffle please!)
Men have given me the greatest times happiest but also some of the worst times.
I have a wonderful and loving father & brother and greatly admire and respect a lot of men so please don’t think that for a minute I am not a fan of men. However I also am scared of men. I feel petrified walking down a street. I don’t feel safe even in broad daylight. I feel their predatory lingering stares boring into my skull as they follow their testosterone.
Perhaps this is unfair as it’s probably my paranoia and even if it’s not then it’s a minority of men who behave as such; but I am scarred by the memories of unwanted contact with them starting from around age 6. I have never been sexually abused (I just clarify this as it’s not my experience and I do not want to not away the importance/significance of those who unfortunately have) but unfortunately I have had quite a few unpleasant experiences from unwanted penetration with toys in doctors & nurses game gone wrong to rape. I am hurt by men and I have been damaged by them. Why are they doing this to me? Why are they ruining me for everyone else? Why do I still want to be with the species both platonically & romantically?
Give me a drink and I will sleep with men I can’t abide but I couldn’t sleep with the man I loved and who would have done anything for me. I’m scared. So scared that I have to drink myself into oblivion to be loved when all I want to do is be loved. Why is the world so cruel?
At the end of the day I just want someone to take away the pain but I don’t know if that will ever happen as how can you be loved if you don’t ever let anyone in?
“Where there is love there is life”- Mahatama Ghandi